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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Journal Entry

July 31st

Today me and Chucky went to the doctor to get my stitches out. It has been longer than a week and so the skin started to grow around the stitches.{gross} My aunt Ruthie{not her real name} works at the doctors office and was the nurse on duty today. She took me back into the room and while taking my vitals she asked me where mom was, I told her that she was at work. She finished and left the room. I sat in the cold waiting room for the doctor to come in and take my stitches out, which I thought would hurt just as bad as when I got them. It seemed like it took forever. Just as I started to read a magazine my aunt peeked her head in and asked if mom was going to come, and I told her no that she was at work, she left. I started to read the magazine and copy down a recipe that was in the book when my aunt peeked her head in and asked if the doctor had been in yet, I said no not yet and she left. The doctor came in and asked how I was feeling before he started to take the stitches out. Chucky was asking the doctor a lot of questions but as soon as he started to take them out, he booked it to the chair in the corner, asking me every few minutes if it hurt and if I was okay. It didn't hurt at all, as a matter of fact, they came out smoothe like butta. When he was finished, he asked me to meet him in another room, which was fine because the room we were in brought back some not so fond memories. I was in the room for a few minutes copying down my recipe when aunt Ruthie peeked her head in and asked if the doctor had been in yet and I said no. Chucky started showing me a part on his psp when aunt Ruthie peeked her head in again and asked if the doctor had been in to see me yet, which he hadn't. Chucky finished showing me his game and the doctor came in. He sat down in his chair while looking at the papers that he brought in with him, he told me he got a sizeable amount and that it was able to be tested. That's when he said that I had dermatofibroma sarcoma partuberans. I looked at him with my eyes glazed over, what the heck is whatever you just said. He told me "you have cancer." Chucky shouted, "Mom, you have cancer, are you going to die?" What am I supposed to say to my son, when I don't even have the answer? The doctor started to explain the cancer to me, but all I could hear in my head was- "you have cancer!" It is a rare cancer that isn't "supposed" to spread but can, and comes back in the same spot over and over again. He told me that I was going to need surgery, to remove all of it and that it should be a pretty simple surgery although he might have to do a skin graph because of how deep and wide it was and how much that he had taken out. I just sat there shaking my head as if I knew what he was talking about, pretending I wasn't numb all the while staring a hole right through him. He told me that he does surgeries on Tuesday's if I wanted him to do the surgery, of course I told him yes, he is the best surgeon in our town. He left the room to get the papers to set up my surgery, aunt Ruthie peeked her head in and I lost it, I couldn't control myself. She said that she wanted to call mom and tell her to come with me to my appointment but because of the STUPID rules she couldn't. Aunt Ruthie sat down next to me, to console me. She kept tellling me that everything was going to be okay and that they caught it early. The doctor never did come back in, so I had to go to the front desk and set my appointment. I asked if I could get a copy of the recipe that I didn't quiet finish writing down, and the receptionist was nice enough to let me take the magazine, which makes me feel bad because what if someone else wanted that recipe? As we were stading there waiting for the appointment, Chucky said really loud " that sucks that you have cancer huh mom!" I turned around and everybody in the waiting room was staring right at me. We started walking to the car when I realized that I have no idea what kind ofcancer that I should tell my family that I have, so I went back into the doctors office and asked the receptionist if she could write it down for me, she said that she would make me a copy. Chucky and I got into the car and I just started driving, I had no idea where I was going, Ijust knew I couldn't go home and go stir crazy. I ended up at mom's work after a half hour of driving around aimlessly. I didn't want to walk in and just lay it all on her, hey mom how's work going, I have cancer. But it seems like that is exactly what I did. She said that we would talk when she got home. So me and Chucky packed it up and started to head home. I didn't even get out of the parking lot when my phone started to ring. I then decided that I needed to call my dad, my brothers and close friends before they heard it from somebody else.

I can't seem to find the recipe, but as soon as I do, I will post it. It was a good one! teehee;}
to be continued...
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Merrie L. March 17, 2010 at 4:22 PM  

Wow... thanks for sharing. It left me with so many questions. How old were you? What year was this written? How old was your son? You are so strong. Wow. Does it even amaze you to go back and re-live just that ONE entry?

Chacoy March 18, 2010 at 7:19 PM  

I was 29 years old when I found out and I wrote it in 2009 and Chucky was 8. I think about all of it a lot and how or what I was thinking and feeling, It's as though it was all a blur. I know that sounds weird, but I kept a brave face and put on a front for my son because he was more freaked out than I was, he just kept saying "my mom has cancer, she's going to die," but I to explain/convince him and myself that cancer studies have come a long way and that it was going to be okay. I joked and smiled a lot. Our town has what is called International Days{like a fair} and I had my bandage still on covering the stitches and people would ask what happened and I would tell them that my son bit me. I know it sounds crazy, but if had told one person who wasn't in my family/friend circle, everyone would have know that I had a biopsy and I thought it was going to come back benign. When the tests came back and it was cancer, I came home and googled anything and everything that I could find- which was not much of anything, I found out that it usually occurs on the face or neck{which is another reason mine is rare,} there is one case on the web of a man who had/has it on his back and it spread to his chest, abdomen and eventually to his organs. When I went back to the doctor and asked him why I couldn't find out much about dermatofibroma sarcoma partuberans, he told me that there aren't many cases so research and such is hard to come by.
I know that breast cancer and other types of cancer happen to more people than this, but what about those of us that don't have the "researched" and "funded" cancers, what are we supposed to do/think?
Merrie L. I hope that this answers some of your questions. I am really glad that you asked and appreciate the questions!
If you have anymore questions, please don't hesitate to ask. REALLY no question is off limits;}